Domestic Violence

When women experience domestic violence they often feel responsible for what is happening to them, this is not helped by society and by health professionals who often act as though the victim is to blame for what has happened to them.

As recently as 1992 American psychologists were still of the opinion that women who were abused had a pathological need to be battered. This attitude is also evident in the UK where many GPs will provide tranquilisers and anti-depressants to women who are experiencing abuse rather than help her deal with the abuse itself.

Society is also responsible for blaming the victim and the attitude of many church goers is that a woman who is battered has done something to deserve it. In the late eighteenth century it was legal for a man to beat his wife providing that the stick he used was no thicker than his thumb, which is where the rule of thumb comes from - in view of this perhaps it should come as no surprise when a victim is blamed for an abuser’s actions.

Domestic violence and domestic abuse don’t always denote physical violence. In some relationships the man only has to give his partner a certain look and she knows that she has offended one of his many rules. Domestic violence includes physical, verbal, emotional, psychological and mental abuse, an abusive relationship may consist of any one of these things, more often it is a combination and in many cases all of these things.

Control

Most domestic violence springs from the abusive partner’s need to control. If you have a new partner who doesn’t like your friends, wants you to change your hair, clothes, home etc. or thinks you should be better educated then be very wary. These don’t start out as demands or commands, rather they are suggestions, “don’t you think that would suit you honey” or “I’m sure you’d look fabulous with blonde/red/short/long hair” “Do you really think Kelly is a friend, I’m sure she was coming onto me” and various other combinations.

Jealousy and Accusations

‘Suggestions’ such as those above, are sometimes seen as flattering or a sign that he cares at first, then as the suggestions are stepped up or the new beau is upset or disappointed when you don’t take up the ’suggestions’it begins to wear you down. When this carries on for long enough you start to doubt your own looks, education, friends and decisions, what would you ever do without him?

Once the abuser recognizes you’ve reached the stage of thinking he is indispensable’ the suggestions become put downs, ‘that dress looks awful, why don’t you wear the blue one’ ‘if you carry on seeing Kelly then everyone will class you as a tramp as well’and so on. In most cases this is accompanied by increasing and unfounded jealousy and accusations because he feels a lack of control whenever you are apart.

Shouting and Throwing Things

In some relationships the abuse doesn’t go beyond the emotional and psychological but they can still be extremely damaging. More often than not the put downs become insults, the suggestions orders and the silent treatment shouting and throwing things, if you haven’t already left then get out fast, next time it could be you that’s thrown, or you that’s kicked instead of the door. A major problem for the abused partner is that there is a part of them that feels responsible for everything that has happened, the abuser soon realises this and plays on it.

Why Doesn’t She Leave?

With each successive behavior change the chains get harder to break. It doesn’t matter what outsiders say, women in this position have to reach a stage where they feel that things have gone far enough. It is pointless asking why doesn’t the abused partner leave, because she probably doesn’t know herself - she’s lost any confidence she ever had and is almost certainly isolated from any friends and in some cases her family. She’d be lost without him, or so he would have her believe.

While it may seem overly dramatic, if you are starting out on a relationship you should always watch out for early warning signs that the prospective new partner is an abuser - better safe than sorry.

Britain has some funny customs and many of them have been eroded over the years the latest one to hit the headlines is Punch and Judy and whether it encourages domestic violence. If you’ve never seen a Punch and Judy show then you should know that it is a puppet show that involves Mr Punch hitting his wife over the head with a rolling pin  - the good thing about it is that Mr Punch eventually gets taken away by the policeman. In my opinion the ending is a moral lesson and the beginning is something that children laugh at and enjoy without ever making any connections to real life. Sometimes I think people dig to deep to find answers to the problems in society.

I think that my main point regarding this proposed change in the law is that each case needs to be judged on its merits and that perhaps the charge of murder should remain ,but there should be more attention given to the past history of a relationship and a detailed assessment of the man or woman who has killed an abusive partner. Women do need protection, but the best way would be to make domestic violence an automatic crime that is prosecuted by the state. It should also mean an automatic jail sentence as it does in Canada.

Surely if any change in the law is to be made it should be with the aim of preventing both further abuse and a possible consequential murder - rather than altering the charge.